This past week has been a week of sadness. All of a sudden, in my family, a great big grey BLACK cloud has been cast upon us. Tuesday, I found out, that my cousins wife has stage 4 cancer. What cancer, I still have yet to learn. She is young...I think if shes not in her late 30's she is in her early 40's. She has 3 children one just 2 yrs old. I think of my cousin, how he must be feeling. I think of their children, esp the older ones. They are my 2 oldest girls age..so they know what is going on and what the end result could be, or honestly, the doc said, will be.
She is my 2nd daughters God Mother, well they are her God parents. We never really ever got together because well at first Marty was an Army man. We moved a lot, we came home not to many times and when we did it was a "drive by visit". I have, since I was 23, known that I should not take my family for granted. My best friend passed away 2 months after she turned 23. I then realized, that we are all here one minute and the next we are gone. I suffered a lot with her death, to the point that I almost lost it. My faith was very much shaken, I couldn't understand WHY God took her away. She was a healthy young woman, not previous complications due to illness, nothing that I KNOW of. She fell into a coma one day 2 months later she passed away. However my family didn't extend to more than my kids, my husband, my parents and my brothers. I was wrong.
She (my best friend) must have finished what she came here to do, that's all I can think of. However her death gave me lessons that I still use to this day, and sometimes Marty either gets mad at me over or makes fun of me. I always say 'GOD WILLING' cause in the end it is Gods will weather or not we stay or go right now. I always hug my girls and tell them I love them. I don't make things more than what they seem. I don't like making mountains outa molehills. I realize that my life is a gift. Everyday is a gift, every hour, every minute and second...they are all gifts and we either waste them or put them to good use. I try not to worry about things that I cant change, I try not to worry to much about nothing because in the end they are still going to be there.
Those of you who know me know I'm catholic, and those who don't know me personally and just through some social network should now my faith in my religion is strong. Yes there are times that I get upset and I get mad at GOD and I say to him "YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T TRUST YOU ANYMORE!" then later on he shows me I should and I pray and say I'm sorry. I'm like a child who wants things her way sometimes. See we are children of GOD, no matter how old or how young we are all children of GOD. We act with him how our children act with us. We throw tantrums when we don't get our way, we feel betrayed when people or situations get taken away. We blame HIM for things WE as a human race have ruined. Just like our children throw a tantrum when they don't get that candy, those jeans, that phone. They feel like we don't understand them when we don't let our kids go to that party where all the WHO'S WHO of the school will be. They blame us when something good happens yet they are punished for their actions.
I know my life is a gift, I know my children are loans. I know my husband, be that he is my best friend, can be here one minute and not here tomorrow. I try not to take my days for granted. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of what will happen after. I'm afraid my youngest daughter will not remember me. I'm afraid, how my husband will react. I'm afraid my children will withdraw from life and loose their faith. I and weaving a net for them. I try to make them understand that because things don't go the way we planned doesn't mean GOD doesn't love you or that it was wrong. Life can hand you LOTS AND LOTS of lemons. I know, I'm one of those people that have tons of LEMONS. I'm constantly sick. Seems to me like when I take 2 steps forwards, I end up being pushed back 5 steps more!
Still, I wonder about my cousins and his wife and his children. The family is on edge. I haven't visited him or his wife, I'm afraid to, since shes started her round of chemo. I don't want to take anything that could harm her. I mean I think I have allergies, but for all I know I have some super cold bug that could cause her more harm. I do hope that she takes time to make memories with her kids. I hope she is leaving them letters. I know that's what I do. Id make letters to each and everyone of my girls. Id leave them videos of myself for them.
Now that I think about it, this is another great lesson for me. I don't know when I will pass on. I SHOULD be making letters to my girls. I may go tomorrow, or even tonight. We all should do that. Today at church, we found out that a WHOLE FAMILY was killed while traveling. Life is so precious. Shakespeare said "Life is like a candle. It can either burn itself down and die naturally or it can be snuffed out with a passing wind." There was a story my mom told me...and its true. She knew this woman who's grandmother had passed on. The grandmother left a very LARGE sum amount of money to her son, the woman's father. The father told my moms friend that he was going to spend all that money traveling and not to expect anything because he was going to spend it all. Well he never got the money...a few short months later, the man passed away. He never got to spend that money he so greedily yearned to do.
I don't write this to preach. I'm really writing this because I need to let my feelings out in a way. I am upset. I do not understand why she is going through this but I do know its not GOD creating this. We did this to ourselves. All the pollutants we breath, drink and eat. Unfortunately it is us that is causing these illnesses in such young people. So how come GOD doesn't come and fix it? Well, why don't you fix every mistake your child does? Same reason why GOD doesn't, what would we learn from it? NOTHING. If you went and fixed everything your child did wrong and your child didn't get punished, he/she wouldn't learn anything from it and would continue doing what is wrong. We can not blame GOD for our misdoings. We can not blame GOD for the things we put in the air, food and water.
I do hope that she knows its not GOD punishing her. I hope she knows its not GOD allowing this to happen to her. I do hope she knows that GOD is there to walk her through the hard times. I hope that she doesn't loose faith no matter WHAT the outcome is. I know its hard to trust someone else you cant see with the fate of your life...but that's why its called faith. We sometimes don't get what WE want, we may not understand why things happen and one day you will, but at this moment we don't. I don't know if she will live or die. I don't know. I hope she lives. I want her to live, not for me, but for her husband and her children. I know id be beside myself worrying about my children's future and the things I will get to miss. I would worry about the things my girls will miss not having a mother. I know my husband will have problems doing certain things, but i do have faith in him. Its more of my fear of not being here for my girls, not seeing them grow. Graduating from college, getting married, HAVING A SLEW OF KIDS!!! cause yes, i want A LOT OF GRAND KIDS!!! and all these things all my fears I see it being played out in my cousins life. It shakes me to my core. I pray for her that GOD leaves her here. I know in the end it is his will not ours. He has a plan. I know what I want for her. Ill I have is my faith that GOD will do what is right and that all I have to do is trust and pray.
end of my vent.